Fuggedaboudit!

I remember couple of years back, this same day I was getting crushed inside a local train in evening after spending the day watching a movie and the rest of the time sitting at Marine Drive with a gawk at Arabian Sea. I'd bunked my college, and didn't knew a single soul in the entire city. I was alone, all alone.
Looking around exhibited so much happiness, which was by some reasons biased towards me. I kept on staring into the deep sea to avoid any other sight. It may not have been the most arduous time, but certainly melancholy had completely taken over me after ages. When the music of laughter and hush hush affairs of couples around were unable to bare, I stood up. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry. I was just alone. I turned around towards the city, and said some cheesy filmy words inside. 'There will be a day, this city will love me too'. This whole symbolic shot would have been perfect for a 'hope enlightenment' sequence. Which of course, died within few hours.

Today things haven't really changed. Except that Arabian Sea is replaced by a window in our house. Well, its okay! Never mind. Few phone calls made me believe it was my birthday today. The constant pressure of "doing something" on birthdays kept on nagging me all the time. Getting crunk and slashed is not exciting anymore. I wonder if it was just me, or do birthdays 'actually' make you sad? Well, forget being special the whole day seemed so long and eternally barren. Shit! Growing up is not always fun. I miss childhood today. Anyways.

I have always loved Bombay. Right from the first time I came here when I was a kid. I loved watching cars on streets even till wee hours of morning. Now, its replaced by watching movie hoardings outside multiplexes with red carpets, while imagining yours to be there one day too. Dreams. Sigh! Its been a long time. The past 2 years is perhaps something I'll never forget. The whole phase of evolving through "Why ME?" to "Why everyone ?" to "It happens!" From the strongest reason to kill myself to the biggest motivation to live no matter what, these years served everything. I know its not all, it will never be. But I am happy it brought a change. A change to bare it all. Tonight, again I feel like saying those same cheesy lines. I have always been known to make brave decisions from a very long time, and it continues even now. Statements at the verge of 'time' are somethings I never forget to pitch up, and every promise made to the world or myself still pinches hard inside me.

I am once again and lemme add 'impeccably' convinced that 'cinema' is the fucking best thing that ever happened to our planet. After languishing at home for years. Now, I am made to work for 12 hrs. a day. Still, at times I wish even these 12 hrs. are less and why the fuck weekends are made? Thats because the scene I am into, is something I was lusting for since like the beginning of forever. I guess somewhere down the line it feels bit content knowing myself bracing for the big roar that I'll howl out to this 'world' pretty soon. But still, it feels altogether different now. Rather I should say, the whole sense of "feeling" seems to fade away. There is no place for sadness or joy, I am too cold and silent. Out of emotions; maybe! I never knew this page will land too. Everybody has a dream, you have yours. I have mine. But living your dream is completely a different feeling. You're just living the 'dream', thats it. Nothing else. Rest is dead!

--

Every dog has its day.
Maybe I love cats!?

Inner Musings - II

And they returned...

I remember when I was a kid, people would come and ask me if I think about, who I'm going to be when I grow up? And my only reply used to be 'Ain't I going to be ME?'

Today the question stays flat to all of us. Where has the "I" in YOU vanished? Are you the "YOU" which you ARE; or are you what others want/like you to be; or maybe what you think will help you gain control over others?

A :- Why are people so ...?
B :- Halt!! Stop you're question right there! Are you in a mood to whine about people?
A :- Umm... not exactly, but you know its like why I have to suffer because of what others do? Isn't it wrong? I mean I wasn't even given a chance to choose who all I want in my life. And yet, I need to suffer? So unfair man.
B :- Stop fighting a fact; learn to face it.
A :- Isn't facing a fact means the same? i.e. fighting it?
B :- NO! Fighting in most cases means destroying the fact. You are filled with negativity about the thoughts of the fact and so you want to kill it. You just want to get rid of it. While 'facing' the fact means to deal with it. To survive with it. To handle it. There is a thin line difference.

A :- Okay, tell me. Why are you so pissed off from the world all the time? Why don't you like them? People?
B :- Yeah! Now you're talking of my favorite subject. Since you too are one dumbass, I'll try and be clear n simple. 'People' as I see them are like prisoners; mere products of fear. They may appear as free but are jacked deep inside with mammoth amount of fears. Fear of losing the one they love, fear of failing even before trying, fear of expression, fear of denial, fear of future, fear of loosing their dreams, fear of not being loved, fear of being alone, sad, etcetera, fear of suffering... fear of FEAR. They are so conscious about everything they do, they are so afraid to just let it go, so afraid of facing the music they have never sensed, going through scenes they have never imagined and don't even want to. They are all busy playing safe games. And I hate it. Its like having an umbrella before going out in the rain. Why can't you bloody face the rain? Its sad and equally frustrating to see them 'live' this way; which is actually no living et al. They are even succumbed by fear of self identity, they are scared to know the 'real' self. Because somewhere inside they know its just hollow. They are "nothing" of what they portray, and are just mere dolls of lies. Even the ones who say they are free are mostly not. Thats just a face to pull off in front of others, for to be liked, to be admired. If there's something wrong, they don't want to go ahead and solve it. Rather, they love to sit and wait for 'time' to change. WTF? Time is like a self wheel of fortune, which will rotate and bring you back to sanity again. But for that you'll have to push the rod, YOU'll have to take the initiative to end your shit. Ignoring a problem doesn't solves it, it still persists to hammer you at the back of your head. Period! They need to realize the only thing they should fear is THEMSELVES! I hate those 'I am victim' ranters to the core.

A :- Everybody wants to be happy.
B :- Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

And now when you tell them all this, the latest trend is passing the line 'easier said than done'. Fuck you! This is probably one of the most motherfuckerest of excuse I hear from people to hide from their fears, their incapability of dealing with it. Thats the whole zeal about dumbass cowards that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence and hardship. I don't say its easy, but then fucktards it has to be done by YOU! An angel won't land up from no where to give you 'thoda pyar thoda magic'. You gotta learn, nobody gives it to you. YOU have to take it.

A :- Okay! Calm down. Anyways, tell me how do YOU judge people?
B :- Well, I am always blamed for type casting people. I admit, I do that. But when I think I know a person, it just bores me. Its like they just have few stories to share, some fucked ones some winning ones, but then thats it. Rest all they turn out to be shit. They always fail to carry the image made at the start. And about judging them? Honestly, I judge people on the basis of their dreams. Dreams that they want to live for, dreams that they are passionate about. I'll tell you about 'my dreams' one day and what they mean to me. But yet again about them, sadly more than half of the world does not have dreams strong enough, its just mere stupid desires. They just don't know what exactly they want from their lives. Being proud in categorizing themselves as the 'confused crowd'. Fuck Off! Being 'confused' is not 'cool' anymore. It clearly showcases your imbecility, nothing less nothing more. And then in the end they make some decisions to follow the herd, do what every second cocksucker does and settle down for a 'normal' life in their 'society'. Its sick, really sick! Where is the "I" in YOU? How can you just do what is expected from you? And not what YOU want? 'Expected'? Thats just a synonym to project what others 'want' from you. How can you even breathe in such bossiness, grow up and fight for your way jackasses. Its time. Don't just get inspired; start 'inspiring'. And then there are the other half who actually possess some 'dreams', but are too fucking afraid to live them or have lost the courage to fight for it. Rise up from your dead sleep dolts. Stop living dead. For fucks sake. I assure it will be better. Guran-fuckin-teed!

A :- What about 'Love' sire and... ?
B :- Don't even get me started on all that. I want to put my hand inside and take the fucking crap out of people. Bloody shake them up. Fuck! I already want to kill.

A :- Okay! So whats the conclusion? Do we need people?
B :- Yeah! Now this is the most saddest part. All the aforesaid was true and frustrating, but more than that whats more pissing is to face the fact that you can't change the world. Trust me my son, I've already died of several mindfucks and I'll continue dying from millions more. But this is one fact which is so fucking hardcore to digest. If you chose to 'survive', you don't need anyone; but if you chose to 'live' as sick as it sounds but yes you need people. They sort of act as a catalyst for you, in knowing yourself. Think about it, in those days when you sit down and ponder about yourself. What you are? How you behave? How YOU work? What you did? Right or wrong? In that process of 'knowing ourselves', we always move down to the past to gain that knowledge and instead of thinking what WE did, we ought to judge how 'others' behaved with us. Why do we need to judge 'their' action to judge 'our' deeds? Fuck!! This is one arduous fact to deal with my boy, to live with ' the world'. Yeah, 'that' world. They say I am always pissed at the world, the people. I am tagged as the 'pissed off bastard'. I don't mind. But you know I am actually thoroughly disappointed with them. All of them. Really! And hence this disappointment turns into vexation and like eternal anger bursting inside me. I don't like the world, I just don't. They are not what they are. And NO, this ain't coz of some past experiences.. its just all over. I might be sounding like some Tyler Durden or Montana or John Doe from Se7en... bah! go figure, but truth is we need people like these.

A :- Fine! Give me a quick remedy.
B :- The worst mistake you can make is to think you're alive, when you're 'actually' asleep in life's waiting room. You can't just always keep on saying 'I don't know what to do'. You gotta do something, which the other person can't. You always have the best answers to your questions, all you gotta do is to make up your own fucking mind and take up your own fucking advice. Don't just breathe like dumbfucks for Christ's sake. Start using your brain cells (yes, the same ones which were gifted after your mother cracked that bed to let you out) in other things as well rather than 'how-sex-would-be-like'. Every day look upto in that mirror and tell yourself : "You're no different! You're no better!"
There is nothing sad in this world than being 'ordinary'. You know...

The 'people' once told me :- 'We the world; a herd of blissful clans will continue living the same, till YOU enter. Help us. STAY AWAY!'

A :- And what do you think?
B :- For me there never was and never will be something called 'society' and even if there is, 'I' am not a part of it. The world is a mean and dumb place, I just hope its doing fine without me.

A :- Anything else my majesty? I fear calming you down.
B :- Heh! You know, Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for."

I... I agree with the 'second' part.

Hello! Stranger.

It was one of those weekend nights. He stood there staring on the floor; uncomfortably numb. Victim of a recent kickass heartbreak, dressed in black, with slightly grown up stubble and a cigarette engraved on his lips. He looked more like a MAN, and less of a GUY! "Come on, pop in!" yelled some known pretty faces who accompanied him. But despite of their existence, he felt like a lost alien.

Around mid-night they entered a realm of heart thumping loud music and blue neon disco lights. The floor had flickering colored lights peeping from beneath and the roof top resembled an open sky. The place was highly energetic and tightly filled with a herd of blissful clans all around pouring in him a sense of bewilderment and nostalgia. It seemed all the lovers from the country united right there. Those pretty known faces too vanished in the fog around within flashes of seconds with their soul mates. He cornered himself near a place where some stud looking men in white attire smilingly served dozes of alcohol as they juggled the bottles in air. This area of the place was more of dark and bit calm, though echoes of music could still be heard. "One Johnie Walker Blue Label, with plain ice" he told one of the men in a low voice, as he looked around the arena. The crowd and the entire aura of the place opened the box of memories and poured in some anger inside. Everyone around looked so happy, everything the same old golden, except the 'times'; they changed! He gulped down his drink within one shot and asked for another as his eyes paused on a figure sitting bit far in the adjacent corner. It was dark there, so the vision was blurred. He didn't paid anymore attention and lit up his cigarette. After few puffs he looked again, and as the blue lights fell he saw a lady walking in from the same corner. She must be in her early twenties, short hair, big eyes and a short red dress, bit of elegant and more of a subtle elusive look. Her walk seemed like a ramp design. She came and ordered herself a drink, and sat next to him. He was busy about rampage of thoughts of somebody else.

"Hello! Stranger" she said in a low sensual voice. He gave a firm look and ignored her. "You're broken by something, aren't you?" she tried again. He sipped his drink and remained silent, ignoring her. She picked out a cigarette, "Do you have a light?" He passed on the lighter. "You like this music?" she said while puffing smoke. "Listen lady, do you mind catching up with someone else, coz I'm really not in a frame of mind to talk." he replied back as firmly as he could gain. She looked into his eyes. "You look classy but upset and rage". "So?" he intrigued. "And you seem to be all alone" she replied with a mischievous smile. "Are you allowed to flirt?" "Sure!" "Really? Is that so?" "Okay! I'm just mocking the rules. Does that hurts?". "You're drunk lady, go home" he ignored her again. "Oh! Aren't you?". He remained silent. "Fuck it" she crushed the cigarette, and stood up "Lets go n have a dance!". "I don't dance" he replied back. "Oh! Really? Since when?" "Since... EVER!" He finished his drink. It was getting hard for him to sustain over there, haunting memories kept perturbing in and it was getting even more arduous to restrict himself from this beauty. An assorted blend of emotions- angst, melancholy, anxiety and agitation kept succumbing him all over.

"Have you been in love lately?" she continued. "NOT... with you." he replied back in agitation. "Oh! Yeah, you won't understand love. After all you're just one of them." for the first time she sounded low. "Yeah!! Right!" he shrugged. "But I like you, I, I, like you. You're aaa... different!" she gave her mischievous smile again. He bent towards her face and looked into her eyes, "And you're a whore, aren't you?" "I'm not a whore." she tilted her face to the left. "Oh! Then maybe just a horny bitch?" He falls back to his chair. "Yes! And you're my dog stunner." she gave a wink. He smiled looking around. "Did someone tell you, you're rude with women?" she continued sipping her drink. He lit up his cigarette "Not everyone gets that chance to experience it." "Oh! My lord! Lucky me huh? Boy!!! I love your attitude cavalier." she grinned staring at him. He was jilted as a severe headache seemed to crawl through the back of his head. "Good for you lady, and now may I take your leave!" he finished his drink in a shot. "Wait! Why so soon? Maybe, we could go somewhere down near the parking area for a while. What say?" she opened her cross legs as she said it. "Damsel, we're not in a movie or on pages of some fucked up novel that we meet and end up having wild sex, as for your information there is no parking area around this place." he couldn't resist the agitation anymore. "You look impeccably cute in anger. Okay! Then maybe somewhere else, I, I, want... you" lust and crave was filled in her tone. "I'm not a whore darling." he replied with a fake smile. "I wouldn't pay either" she gave another wink. "Whats your name?" she intrigued again. "How does your cunt tastes?" "Heaven!" she smiled. "So, my name is Satan!". She bent towards his face, "Oh my! Look at your intense eyes". "I can't see my intense eyes." He stood up, and started to walk. "Wait! Listen, Aaaaiiiii... love YOUU!" she tried to stop him as her voice pitched high. "I love you too doll, I need a piss." he walked away ignoring her.

The place was almost drab and empty till then, he went to the loo and spanked water on his face continuously. Anxiety had completely taken over him, and the alcohol had its effect as well. He wanted to go out and breathe in open. Suddenly, the door opened and SHE stepped in and closed the door. "Hello! Stranger" her voice all sensual. "What the fff... what are you doing in here?" he asked back with a shock. "I came to get you. You left me there aloof!" she came closer n closer with her words. "Listen, I'm going through... See, this is certainly not the best time for you to be here." He tried to keep his calm. "But, I want you" her belle touched his. "You want me to make this night the worst one you've ever had? Move out you hooker!" he was loosing his patience. She brought her lips in an inches difference of his, she tried touching them twice but he tilted his head back. "I don't kiss strange women." he whispered looking into her eyes. "Neither do I" she replied with another try and brushed all her body over his. She rubbed her lips on his chest. He closed his eyes, for he was loosing control. There were sparks flying inside the soul, within flashes of second some scenes rampaged inside, and a sort of clairvoyance hit him. He opened his eyes and bestirred.

"Alllriiggghhttt you whore, OUT! Move out NOWWW!!" he bursts out in anger pushing her away. "What the fuckk? Isn't that what all you guys fancy about, fucking a hotty in some lounge? Now what the fuck is wrong with YOU? I want it this time, DO ITT!! You weirdo!!" she yelled at him and tried getting to him back. "You want to make it sound like some mercy fuck?" He looked into her eyes, "You don't need sex, you don't need that, you crave for love. Thats what you lack you cunt... LOVE!" He moves back and shouts "And I bet no one would ever LOVE you by this mask you carry! Don't kill yourself, you're not this." Walks upto her and holds her face, "Thank you for your time. Now, fuck off!! and die you fucked up slag!!" he screamed on the last three words. "How can a man be so endlessly disappointing?" "Thats my charm lady. I told you the truth. You're a fucked up stingy piece of shit." "Whats so good about the truth, try lying for a change thats the currency of the world." she adjusted her clothes as she started to walk.

"What a loser!!" she murmured as she left.

"My Pleasure!" he bawled back.

Of food, fags, fone calls and AB Jr.

If you stay in some other city, there are some points you should always consider when you return to your home. "Omg!! You've turned so thin. Don't you eat over there? And whats wrong with your face? Don't people shave there?" well, that was my mother's first reaction when I entered home as she was astonished to see this person standing right in front of her, who looked completely distinct from what she always knew her dear son to be and she hugged me while saying all that. "Its okay mom. I'm fine" (I don't like this projection off emotions rather than emotions itself!) I advanced to my room as she still couldn't believe if it was her own son. "What sort of clothes are that? Whaaattt..... "I spent the rest of few hours answering to every query raised by her.

The best part about being at home is or say the only good part of being at home is you get to eat so much. I mean for all those who stay away, will surely understand home made food is like heaven. YES! the same food which once tasted like rat poison now somehow makes me all slurp.
Every meal of the day HAS to be one of your favorites. I've been eating chicken day n night, I mean at times I myself feel like a chicken after hogging over it all the time. And what would you call a meal which comes in between morning breakfast and lunch? I mean from when do we started eating even between breakfast and lunch. I guess its my mother's mission to make me put on some weight by serving eternal food all the time. But I guess I'll probably die eating. Really! So, if good home made food is an advantage, the biggest disadvantage is that you CANNOT smoke. And count me on this ITS TERRIBLE! Of course I cannot smoke at home, going down n smoking? But the society people wouldn't really appreciate watching the head of their society's son smoking. Big names to carry? Fuck it all! So now the only way left is to go all the way down the hill near the lake to smoke. But then for lazy kings like me taking so much pain for a cigarette doesn't goes down well.

I feel so sad for me. I mean every morning after getting up, my first words used to be "Pass the Cigarette". But here its like a cage where you have to just keep on inhaling and food n more n more of food will be passed to you. I cannot explain how terrible it feels when the "real" urges to smoke hits you. Nonetheless, as I've told people I feel like a King who has returned to his kingdom, just that he's not allowed to smoke! :| And then my father knows half of the city so every evening there are some or the other guests at home. Okay! They are his friends, so why should I bother? But then thats so not the case. When they come to know I'm at home, they somehow get sooper excited to meet me. I really don't know why, but their behavior towards me is like as if I'm some 'Khan of Bollywood'. Of course for rest of the evening I'm their hottest topic of discussion. My mother proudly sings what all I've been involved with and my filmy folk lores and the rendezvous with Bollywood stars. And amidst all of this I feel like a funny clown entertaining them. I've noticed everyone who came, their wives were certainly most interested in talking to me. "You met Salman Khan? Waaaaoooww....." one of them almost jumped onto me saying the same. Its sort of weird, I already start feeling like a celebrity. They look at me with amazed excitation in their eyes, and then whisper to my mother. "He even looks like a director". WTF? Grown beard means you're a director? Arrghh!!

Anyways, last evening when I couldn't control my deepest urge to smoke. As it was dark so I walked down out of the society near the end of the hill where one gets a beautiful view of the lake. 30 mins. 5 cigs down and then some pale mouth fresheners for the smell to go away. Just when I was about to enter home, I heard some loud voices from inside. (Fuck No!! Again some bloddy guests. I'm definitely gonna sue one or two of them tonight for sure! Hmph!!) I shouted inside me as I opened the door, but to my surprise there wasn't enough people. I just saw one lady chatting with my mom. Thank god it was them, I somehow like this family. They are bit sensible than others. I turned to my left and was filled with inner glow. YES! Her daughter, she came alongwith her mother. Okay! Now let me explain. Both the families have know each other for say I don't know how many years. We became more close when her father left them. So, now it was just Aunty, and her two daughters. The younger one is a kid, must be 14 or something. And I was glad she was busy watching ASS-RK shaking his ass at some award function on TeeVee! And the other one, she's exactly of my age. The only word I can use to describe her is BEAUTIFUL! I mean really count me on this, its fucking rare that I may fall for someone's beauty. Because call it whatever but somehow no matter how good looking a female maybe I generally don't get impressed. I prefer brains more. And dumb blondes are totally ignored by me. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't falls in the dumb genre. But this girl is beautiful. I mean really BEAUTIFUL! She has the beauty which I like, the subtle and elegant look, rather than the usual plastic colorful ones. She's bit calm, collected and classy. Ah! I was already grinning deep inside by the fact that she came.

Even though our families have known each other since so long, surprisingly in all these years its just 2-3 times that we have talked. YES! thats the truth. Whenever we all meet, we never really get a chance to talk. And I may roam around like a bond for every other girl but with her somehow I could never find myself comfortable incepting a conversation ever. Little did I knew the jinx would break tonight itself. ;) I sat there for a while as her mother was busy intriguing about my filmy struggles. She wasn't all jumpy like others and here me too felt proud in essaying all of it coz I knew someone else too was sitting there. Later, they started talking something else and I was busy rotating my cell phone to show off my boredom accompanied by fake smiles every time they looked at me. On the other hand, she was still sitting calm n bit quiet and carefully listened to everything. And like any other guy I kept on peeking through the corner of my eyes. Then after 20 mins. god knows what knowledge struck my mom and she asked me to take her in my room as we both must be getting bored with their talks. The dullness from my face vanished within flashes of seconds by hearing my mom said those words. I stood up and asked her to follow to my room. I was grinning all wide but thankfully it didn't showed up on my face. She was wearing something black. I don't know what it was, I never really get what do they call stuff girls wear. (Of course except few you dolt.) But it was black, my favorite color and she looked heaven!

So we reached our room, and as she entered inside I closed the door. (Shit! that was very cheap of me to close the door but I don't know why the fuck I did that.) "Why do you have to close the door? Oh Hero! What is it we're gonna do that you need to close the door?" she uttered those words with a strange mischievous smile as she sat down on my bed. Okay! That was a flirtatious statement straight away but still I couldn't believe she actually said all that. Ages we never talk and then today she calls me HERO? Shitt!! why did I closed the door, means my stupidity pointed out. Urrgghh!! "Oh well its bit of hot in here, I just wanted to put on the AC. Is it fine?" Oh Yeah! I'm a king for replies on the spot. "Hmm... its ok!" she nodded. But the stupidity wasn't over coz soon I remembered mom had told me in morning my room's AC wasn't working and it'll soon be fixed. So before she could "actually" ask me to switch it on, and I prove my dumbness all over again, I better strike a conversation. She was busy scanning my room. And I was praying she doesn't lands up with any strange stuff for which I couldn't really give an explanation. Though since I no longer live here, so thats a least possible event. Pheww!! She looked at big framed picture right above my bed and asked in the most typical girly tone "Aww, whose this cute baby?" I grinned eternally because that was my pic back when I was 6 months old. I have heard praises about that pic from half of the world, but it was when SHE said I actually believed I looked cute. "Oh thats me! You know the guy who took the pic even sent it to get featured in some art exhibition at an international level." I replied back with my chest almost turning into a breast filled with pride. "Waaaaoooowwww!! So you're a born celeb eh?" she said again with that same mischievous yet undying beautiful smile. I stood there blushing like a teen girl with tiny breasts which even I got. I couldn't believe I was behaving that typical way, I mean completely distinct from the rude, raw, rough n blunt behavior which I am known for.

Anyways, next she laid her hands on a big bag and inquired about it. "Well, actually this is a bag where you can find stuff right from my childhood days. This really is one of my biggest asset, one can call it a box of memories." I explained it to her with great enthusiasm as she listened carefully. The bag actually has stuff like the first ever card I got from the first ever girl I loved. Posters n stickers, my first wallet, tickets of every movie seen since past 7 yrs. I used to be a pretty good painter when I was a kid, so my paintings, colors and sketch pens from that era, the first ever air ticket I traveled in, paper cuttings about cricketers, movie stars, my very own magnet collection, tons of posters of cars, cartoons, wrestlers, cricketers n all, dozens of friendship bands received from girls in school days. Teen love letters, some more girly cards n all that jazz! In short a pure trip towards "growing up". Someone special once told me, if you know ME. This bag is something you've got to see. Anyways, even better part was she loved it all and seemed soo excited going through all those stuff. I loved that 'most beautiful smile in recent centuries' on her face while I showed her everything. Like a fool I simply kept looking at her all the freaking time. (Mahn, she is beautiful) I whispered inside least thousand times. I'd like to believe thats the whole zeal of being with a female is that you can even stare at them during pauses and yet not get bored. And with beauties like HER, the world just squeezes down to that face. A strand of hair kept on falling over her face all the time and she use to life it back with her hand. (Jeez! Now why does it happens with every female? Why does every inch of her face has to move within every 10 second? Why does she needs to look at her clothes and god knows how adjust them every minute? Why do all girls need to be so err... girly?) Well, but then if girls wont be girly then boys would look pretty homosexual doing all that. I satisfied myself with the answers and continued staring at her. She was just sitting quiet. Okay! So now this was the not-so-comfortable silence phase. (What is she thinking? AC? Oh! Fuck NO!! Closing of door? Cards of females inside my bag? I better say something now. Christtt!!) She bent towards my face and planted me with a wet kiss.

"Fuckkk" I said the word as if I puked it out. And no it wasn't coz of the kiss. Rather there was no kiss et al. That was just a scene which flashed inside my nut head I don't know why. "What? What happened?" she broke her silence with a shock in her tone obviously coz of me bombing the F-bomb. "Ahh.. nothing I just forgot to call my friend it was her bday today." Yet again I managed it. Pheww!! But that was very pervert of me to even think that way, I promised to scold myself later that very moment. But I wasn't really thinking all that it just came. Grr!!
And all this entire scene since she came to my room seemed so typically filmy. I guess since I'm so much into movies all the time eating, drinking and breathing them. Thus, even the incidents have started going the filmy way. This was the 3rd one since last 2 days. The rest two are censored (read : pure embarrassment) to be posted here. Anyways as both were advancing to some more of flirting ways she suddenly popped up this question from nowhere "Have you met Abhishek Bachchan?" "Huh! well... I don't like him. A friend called me recently at some shoot, but I had some work and moreover I'm no AB jr. fan so I didn't go. And big deal yaar, I'll get another thousand chances to meet him." I replied very honestly and firmly. "Whatttt?? Are you mad? Abhishek Bachchan is sooo sexy......." she continued with his praise for next few mins. I understood that very moment its the most un-required topic which would spoil up this whole evening, coz it was about movies. And I cannot shut myself up even I try hard, and arguments over AB Jr.? I've had eons with many more females. Being an Abhishek Bachchan fan is like topping the charts of being girly. Anyways, as expected our next half an hr. went in discussing about him. It was the least I could expect AB Jr. destroying my evening but well, she seemed some hardcore fan and ME a hardcore critic. So our bull session even turned bit heated at some points. But had to admit, she was just looking more extra beautiful with every line she said defending Mr. AB Jr.

"Rohiitttttt" All of a sudden my mother came and opened the door, and I was like shit shocked as if I'm caught having sex with her, I really don't know why. "Rohit why did you closed the door?" mom intrigued. Even though there was nothing, I could still smell some sense of doubt inside her. "Aunty he wanted to switch on the AC, which he forgot I guess" she said giggling and looking at me. "But the AC is not working, you know that Rohit!" mom dropped another bomb. (Mosquitoes? TV sound? urrrgghhh whatt?) I raped my mind thrice within those seconds to come up with an excuse. I looked at her with a stupid grin, and she smiled back. "Aunty its okay! We're fine." she replied back to mom. Mom left and her cell phone rang. It was a pink colored phone. Finally winning the girl crown. Anyways, she stood up and went into the balcony to talk. I felt as if my bride left me for someone else right when I was about to give her the ring. Anyways, this phone call resulted in another train of thought inside me. (Phone-BF- Fuck yeah BF- Dood cmon she's soo beautiful, how can you not expect if she had a guy? - But what if some other friend?-No its her BF!! It...) Girls can really make even a dumb guy use his brain so for people like me, such train of thoughts and rape on mind was pretty common. She came back after 10 mins. and sat beside. Now this time even the door was open, so nothing could be done too. "Soo... whats the plan? You wanna say something?" she uttered those words again in the most beautiful of voice and with bit hesitation. "Well, do you have a BF? Was that your guy on phone?" I asked with a firm voice with no expressions. Numb!! that was it, congrats I was back to the normal blunt me. "Oh fuck! I'm sorry that soo not any of my business." I soon realized that wasn't needed at all, and said sorry almost 500 times. "Rohiitt come here you guys, aunty is leaving." my mother screamed from the hall. Shittt what a bad timing. And even before I could say or do anything she just smiled and walked away with her mother. That was the end of the night with the most beautiful girl ever, which got screwed because of ACs and Mr. Abhishek Bachchan (grr!!) and of course that phone call.

Anyways, tonight when I think about all that I just smile. I don't want to say anything about her but just the fact that she is BEAUTIFUL! Another, week for me till I stay home. Its okay, I ain't thinking about her as such. How ironical!! Tonight when I write this, I'm quite pissed up by someone else who did something few hrs. back. I guess these are the times, when one is forced to think immigrants from Venus should have remained over there and immigrants from Mars over there. Only then our planet earth would have been a pleasant place to live.
(But then who would be left to enjoy all this?)

A heartfelt apology (not to any readers) to my blog for all this, I promise to restrict to sensible stuff in future. Amen!

--

Anyways, nuff for now I'm done!

Tag Heuer?

I was Tagged some centuries back by Solo and umm... guess someone else too. I love such tags, they eat away so much time. And now since I'm out of work, surrounded by some weird slightly fucked up feelings and of course bored as well, So here its ON-

1. Last movie you saw in a theater:
What a question!! Since, I watch every single movie released, the whole week goes off in the same. Anyways after surviving through couple of recently released horrible Bollywood flicks, last night I saw the much awaited The Darjeeling Limited. Surprisingly a foreign film managed to make me realize how much I love my country. Nuff said!

2. What book are you reading?
No matter how un-intellectual and doltish it may sound. BUT I don't read books! I DON'T.

3. Favorite board game?
Used to be:-
Carom - It was hard to beat me. Really!
Business (If only you know about it) - A pure cheat.
Scrabble - Used to be the king in invention of never heard words.
Currently I just get 'bored' so no more board games. I prefer spending time, raping my mind.

4. Favorite magazine?
I can go through them once in a while if its something about films, else I don't like reading.

5. Favorite smell?
- Cigarettes.
- A particular person.
- The fresh smell from the pages of a new book. (Yes, thats all I do. Smell them and keep it down)
- Home made chicken - Eons I had it. :(
- The entire fragrance of a movie theater just when the film is about to be played.
- The way Mumbai smells after rains - Beyond words.
- Unlike others rather than smell of petrol, I like smell of the gas which comes out from the gas cylinder. I remember when I was a kid, once I just opened the nob of the cooking gas, and stood there just to enjoy its smell. Praise the lord, my mother came right in time. Or else I wouldn't have been doing this tag right now. Of course after that, I was thrashed left, right and center. :|

6. Favorite sound?
- The message tone in my cell phone - Every time it rings I jump to it hoping least someone remembered, but sadly its just 'Vodafone' who is madly in love with me.
- Sound of the ringing bell in school days after classes used to get over.
- Crushing dry leaves. Keyboard clicks. The 'ping' when someone messages in Gtalk.
- There is a particular sound of the flame, when you use a lighter.
- Sound of rain brings an inner glow to my face.
- 'Shut up' in someone's voice used to sound the most cute word EVER!

7. Worst feeling in the world?
For me - Helplessness. Loneliness - BIG time I accept it!
For YOU - Impotency. Maybe.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake?
Fuck, its not evening yet. Why the hell you have to wake me up so early?
Are cigarettes left?

9. Favorite fast food place?
I'm too lazy to step out of my home, if it isn't for movies or plain roaming on city streets.
So I don't think any.

10. Future child's name?
To all those females I'd promised baby names - I ditch!
Here's my edition - Beedi, Billo, Pappu, Chamiya.

11. Finish this statement. "If I had a lot of money I'd...?
Dumb question!
Still, if I'd to think about - I'd probably like to built up a very own movie theater, which plays ANY movie from ANY era and language ANY time I want. And also, built up the biggest movie collection in the history of world. (Oh yeah! I'm crazy about 'em.)

12. Do you drive Fast?
I guess those who were on the ride, enjoyed it. (Read with the most pervert mind.) :P

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Huh? They don't have holes or err... so ... Hell NO!

14. Storms-COOL or SCARY?
Scary? NO! And 'cool' is a stupid word.

15. What was your first car?
Da-kaar. (Read again till you get what I mean). *Burp*. Oops!

16. Favorite drink?
Paani, daaru.

17. Finish this statement, "If I had the time I would .....
Currently I am having excess amount of time and its getting difficult to breathe every moment.
In other case, I'd like to meet a lot of people with whom I somehow got separated after few moments of bliss.

18. Do you eat the stems on Broccoli?
Broccoli bole toh? Something veggie I guess? I won't even touch it. Bleh.

19. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
I was the first student in my school to sport colored streaks when I was only 16. Thankfully, that fever left me right there.

20. Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in.
Currently Sincity next is gonna be Filmcity (literally). :|

21. Favorite sports to watch?
Bitch fighting.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you.
Sweet? Loving? Caring? I don't think so.
All I know is that SHE's really after my luck n life and also off late praying that I get fucked by a neighbor's goat. :|

23. What's under your bed?
Cigarette butts, ample amount of DVDs, broken ipod, headphones, our personal Hookah, that must be all I guess.
Sorry to disappoint you but the hidden sluts are sent away. :|

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Fuck YEAH!! At times I feel so relieved that I'm born as ME and not the usual dumb motherfookers. Phew!

25. Morning person, or night owl?
'Nights' and 'Me' fell in love the day I got to know the difference between day and night. And unlike all other love stories this one still persists despite of any hurdles in between. We really are in "true" love since then, and as each night passes our feelings get more strong and deep. We get all mushy and even make love. I even tried ditching it, but failed miserably each time. Finally, now thats the reason I sleep only when I see the morning sun, so that my baybee won't have to be alone!

26. Over easy, or sunny side up?
*Yawn*

27. Favorite place to relax?
Balconies in night with gallons of smoke.
A movie theater - Best aid above all.
Lokhandwala roads.
Juhu Beach.

28. Favorite pie?
Sweetie pie? Cutie pie?

29. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Oh pliss pliss. This is SUCHAA girly question!!

30. Of all the people you Tagged this to, who's most likely to respond first?
As if I'm gonna tag anyone. Heehee Hawhaw!!

--

Cheeee Aaa.

Being Different! eh?

I'm different, I'm different, I'm different!!

How many of you like being tagged as the same? I'm sure there must be eons of the crowd. You proudly sing it to others, I'm different, I'm unique, I'm rare- they don't make such souls anymore and the reasons behind it is best known to YOU!

Today, when someone meets me and tells me that he/she IS different. I'm always tempted to ask: HOW? and WHY? 90% of the replies I get are worst than their own shit. They say they are different, but ask them how and they get numb. Today the tag of "being different" is sold as the most coolest one around. Every second one you meet sings the same tune of 'being different'. Ask them what do they want to do in life? And the most quickest of reply you get is 'something different'. Counter question them to define this 'something different' and they'll lack words. They are just aware that they want to do 'something different' but NOT what? At times they might have some reasons as well like, I'm different because I suffer the most, because I'm always alone, because BLAH! And such dumb retards are so many around us that every time you throw a stone in free air, one will surely be hit. I ask: How clear are you in your own image? How clear are you in your own perception? And thus, perhaps no rocket science will be required to conclude the fake projection behind your own mask. This quest for 'being different' is ON, and it'll always be.
And to all those who are still wannabe 'different' here's a quote from Chidinma Obietikponah:-
"Always show the you in you that makes you the you that you are."

Now let me talk about what I'd faced. I grew up surrounded by a lot of things which weren't like me; parents and other adults, animals, trees, flowers -- and I used to be always astonished by the fact that they weren't like ME. Other children around were just another category of things in the world. Then, there were somethings which I got aware of at a pretty later stage in life. When I joined college, I noticed that I was never really one of them. I could never be a part of the herd of blissful clans over there. I left the place. That was just a part of life: I didn't liked it, and at times I wondered what was there about them that made them so nasty and different from ME? Why were they so cool for the world and I was still the the same ME. Boring? Calm? Quiet? I remember my mother urging me to "be nice to them and they'll be your friends". Be nice? I wasn't doing any harm to them, I was just minding my own business. And so I was tagged "different". And does being different makes you boring? Does it throws you in the loner genre? The replies were: "No you're just... umm... different" well, aka maybe! Anyways, I used to ponder if being in your own skin makes you "different"? And if it is so, then perhaps I'll always be the same. My thoughts, my views, my actions won't change because I'm not accepted.

This 'being different' made me pay enough price too, I was rewarded with plenty of shit from all around. And if only, I'd been how they were I would have lived a normal life too. Or for that matter say the 'happier' one. Anyways, 'being happy' is all together a different case to debate upon. But even now there surely are times when I'm forced to think, whose enjoying most: they or me? who LIVED most: they or me? The replies which comes are not-so-content to me but somehow now I've learned how to console myself. Still whenever I feel low and beaten this thought always pokes inside me as to how I wish I was a normal person too, having not-so-big dreams to chase, not such out of the world thinking process, not to love someone much more than myself, not to fight n struggle with every rising sun, aiding myself too and not just others, for a change live a peaceful life too for least some moments, easily get those almost crushed little desires inside. This sounds pretty sadistic, and I guess I know how to be strong and fight it back again. After all as I believe "We need to be strong only when we think its the most arduous feat to do". I remember someone once told me, 'Every superhero has a price to pay, because HE's the chosen one out of all others, HE's given big responsibilities and duties to carry every day and thus HE needs to continue with his job without whining and tell himself that the world needs him and most importantly HIS dreams needs him.'
I don't know how much of it to follow on myself, but I guess there is surely a price to pay somewhere for being in your own skin and fighting for your own dreams. So even if you really ARE different, you should know its not just about being the 'cool' one.

And now if I'd to imply myself on the earlier part of the post as to HOW? n WHY? are you different. Well, there are many ways in which it is difficult or impossible for me to meet standard definitions of normalcy. Some of these relate to impairments or deficits in functions that come easily to most people. Some relate to skills or strengths in functions that are difficult for most people. Some relate to ways of perceiving and responding that are neither better nor worse, but are qualitatively different from those of most people. Among my greatest strengths are my inner stability and my strong sense of who I am and what is important to me. Living a life no one else of my age I think lives or for that matter would even want to, surviving through shits at perhaps such an earlier era, continue to learn from them and be strong every single moment. Fight from the world, from your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs, and nonetheless YOURSELF! I can say a million more words in order to defend my "being different" tag and answer all those queries I raised above. Given this foundation, is it possible for me to find--or create--a place in society that allows me to make maximum use of my strengths and to minimize the limitations of the things I can't do?

And the answer to that will be a lifelong adventure, for all of us. But then whats the big deal? Everyone else does the same don't they? Okay! A large part may be perfectly different, but still no matter how much we think there are always others who are like you.

Because as they say may say: "I'm not everybody, I'm different." But the fact still remains, "You may not be everybody, but everybody IS everybody". ;)

--

I guess I'll conclude with the point I firmly believe in, that its not basically about 'being different', its about letting you know

"You're not the ONLY ONE."

Rehabilitated !?! Nevermind!

Disclaimer: The below content is not the usual 'depressing-dark' post. Sorry!

A week or so back:
Monday morning 10.30 am.

(Ghoon.. ghoon.. ghoon.. ghoon) I thought someone's poking me with a fat needle in my dreams but soon realized my cell fone vibrating for the umpteenth time. ggrrr!! I had just slept 1 hr. before (YES! thats the routine I follow, be it any day of week) and this successfully managed to break the deep slumber I was peacefully resting in. After ignoring it for quite sometime, it still continued. So I had to finally push the green button:

"Hello!! Can I speak to Rohit?" a heavy voice settles down in my ears. "Hmm..." I replied, the time that it took me to say this, you could probably touch each part of your body exactly one time (provided you enjoy partaking in such innocent pastimes).
"Ohkk, is that Rohit?" The gentlemen asked politely. "No this is Morgon Freeman, playing fun eh?" (grrr!!) "Huh? Whatt?" he was shocked? donno maybe happy as well. "YES! Its Rohit. Shoot!". "Ah! Rohit this is Karan, I'm calling from XYZ production house, actually Shivani gave me your no." This did managed to get me into some sense. "Shivani? Who?.. accha Okay! soo..." (struggling hard with my memory). "Yep, so you interested to work with us rite? Can you come n meet me right now, so that we can discuss the job n all?" Hmph! "Right now? umm... actually Karan my roomie has got an asthma attack this morning so I need to stay with him for the time being. Hope you understand". (Well, I won't mind missing a date with Salma Hayek when I sleep, forget a freaking job. Okay! even a good job. But never mind I ain't going anywhere right now. Yeah! I'm the best when it comes to making excuses, right ON THE SPOT!)
"Oohhhhhhh!!!" he replied as if my friend had expired or sumfin. "Umm.. don't worry he's alive. And if its fine, I can meet you in evening sometime?" Okay! So, this was a guy calling from an ace production house for a job meeting and I was molding him in my way. Tee Hee! :D

He easily agreed to it, I kept the phone down. And went back to the slumber again. 10 seconds and I wake up shouting with a solid kick on my butt. Now this was the 'same' roomie whom I gave an asthma attack some minutes back. "Kyaa haii? (What?) " I asked him irritated yet again. "Saale, fucker when did I got an asthma attack huh??" he shouts back. "Dood, chill. Thank me, that you're still alive, I could have even made you an AIDS patient. Just make sure I get up at 3 haan." "Yeah, yeah bastard!" he replied with planting one more kick on my butt as I carried on with my coma. :(

As usual, he tried his best to wake me up at 3 but I finally lifted my body an hr. later. "Saale, are you crazy? You have a job meeting. Get up you asshole!" he kept repeating the same line as I was still roaming inside my blanket in n out. "Okay, fine na. I'm not sleeping anymore. Chal cigarette de ab." (Self Note : A fag in morning or whatever time you get up brings you back to sanity). I had fixed the time to meet at 5, but I got ready by 5.15 itself. All thanks to my lovely house, where we never get anything in need ranging from a toothbrush to socks. So there I was standing, as usual fucking late even though it was my first 'official' job call. (Yeah! the last place I worked I never gave an interview for it. :P) Dressed as? A denim blue diesel jeans, pitch black nike tee with psychedelic pictures on it, (YES! I like to show awf!) a few hand bands, "pseudo" specs and ofcourse 'not' shaved since couple of months, with creative cuts in the beard, and an ultra cool black footwear. All this accompanied by a carton of cigarettes and one black lighter. My roomie stared at me and shouts in his typical shocking tone "Dood, you're going for a JOB MEETING, not some rock show." I was late to shoot another witty reply so I left.

Listening to desi songs in the auto, with 'Bambai' ka best traffic area and puffs of smoke managed to drop me at the place. I stood in front of the building, just opposite YRF (Yash Raj Films) studios. Some one said one of our Bollywood Khan was there. I kept drooling for sometime. "Nevermind, let me aid this one today. Soon I'll go to the YRFs as well."(I'm good at convincing myself). So I finally entered this XYZ office, 1 hr. late with their latest released big movie poster welcoming me at the gate. I met Karan, he looked at me top to bottom, and I gave the "WTF?- look" back. We sat down and spoke a bit, then he called in their Creative Director. A 50s or sumfin man entered the room, with a cup of coffee. I was all relaxed, I wasn't carrying any papers with me. (Yeah yeah!) He keeps the coffee down and starts off: "Dood, so what is that interests you?" he seemed quite excited. (Aaarrghhh!!) "The name's Rohit Sir." I gave him an innocent smile. :)
"Oh yeah! Rohit, so tell me dood, what is that excites you? I mean something you must be passionate about rite?" "YES! Sir, all my interests starts and ends up at movies. There is nothing else which can "really" excite me. An aspiring film-maker you see." I spoke with my best to make him understand what I mean. "Ha! Andheri ka har kutta film director banna chahta hai. (Every dog in Andheri aspires to be a film director) Isn't it Rohit?" (Woah!! That WAS surely a reality check.) But.. "Well, thats true. But then even you must have been a dog once too. Isn't it Sir?" I said smilingly as innocent as I can. :) He laughed for about 30 seconds concluding by "I like it, I like it." The meeting carried on till next 30 mins. and by the end of it, they wanted to pay me for writing a show on MTV. And asked me to answer within some days. Sounds cool enough eh? Well, it didn't sounded as exciting for me. The show was in hindi, fuck it! I doubt how do I pull of to write in hindi and I didn't even liked the entire concept as well. Its just the BIG name thats it. This made me doubt myself how will I make movies in India. :-/ Umm.. nevermind!

So now its for sure, I ain't going to that place. Next day dad told me that some of his friend had referred me as an Assistant Director for YRFs next upcoming flick. But sadly they have already chosen people, I felt shit. Coz the movie has one of my favorite actor (No! not Ass-RK) . Talk about bad timing and I'll take the crown anytime. So I just tend to use another of my favorite word in such scenes "Never mind Rohit, its okay!". (yeah yeah) So few days back, I again got this offer as an AD (Asst. Director) but this time it was for a daily soap. (grrr!!) I didn't refused it either, coz I really need to get out of home for some work now. Its been AGES. Phew!! The show is one of the biggest hit in country now. But still its a "daily soap" with the perfect saas bahu kinda ingredients. *chokes of his neck*. And I feel too embarrassing to even share the name. :P. Never mind, I might be joining them within few days. YES! This one's fixed. :-|

Off late, Some weird habbits have caught me up too. I'm not into boozing too much, last week a friend was in town to celebrate his budday, both the days I sat down with one drink all night inside the pub. :( To my surprise even smoking has been decreased, I really donno why. I mean I want to smoke but not able to. I don't get the urge, rather I have to 'remind' myself to smoke. Grrr!! I so-not-like this fact. You fucking cigarettes, now cmon please you cannot ditch me like everyone else. I thought we really were in love. :( "Nevermind" hope I get back to the 'fagging me' soon. Of other things, I guess I have moved on from the tears n shit n all that gloom, till some extent. And I can say that coz, its been "real" long that a tear managed to find its way out. Hee haw! :D Even though others are wanting it, I myself don't feel like being in any relationships anymore, let me love my movies and work right now thats it. Cause its been real looonngg. So I've even decided to almost cut down the "depressing dark" posts over here. The poor blog is tired of wiping blood from its ears. And for now even the 'intellect thoughts' are at work, so they might come up sometime later. Thus till then this shity piece of nonsensical-writing is to make the page grin. Duh..uhhh!!

P.S.- A movie recommendation- Please do watch the first ever released Pakistani flick in India "Khuda Ke Liye". Its truly an awesome piece of cinema.

6 Words Memoir.

Okay! Someone did tagged me this time, I don't remember the name now. Bleh!
And this is the most cheesiest and corniest one I can come up with. Urgh! Never mind, for the moment I suddenly feel like being very cheap! You know the rest. Nuff said:

I'm a lesbian in man's body. :-|


P.S.- No! This is not an April fool shit. Try some other day maybe. YES! I very much like being against the law.

Gloomy Dope

Just when he thought sleep finally took over, he wakes up with disturbing dreams and found himself transformed. It was no dream. By now, fear silently settles down in air.

Sometimes it make me sad, though, you being gone.
I have to constantly remind myself that some souls
aren't meant to be together, thats all. Their paths are
just too contrary, and when they fly away the part of
you that knows it was wrong, does agitates... and the
place you live is much more drab and empty that they
are gone.

A distant rumble of thunder. He pauses and gazes off, senses a presence, looks over his shoulder, steps out of bed there is abstract shadows smiling inscrutable. As he watches, a brilliant glow builds behind the shadows.

Shadows or just plain alive memories?

The image rips free, charred to ash in the blink of an eye. He staggers back against the glare. Anxiety pours in whipping every thought into the air. The glow in dark seemed like a large vacuum cleaner -- voices, images, locales, music twirling and twisting -- if it ain't nailed down, it gets sucked down the hole towards the light. He fights with his vision but the suction drags him closer and closer. The more he tries to grasp the view the more he gets sucked down an endless tunnel at impossible speed, the roar of tunnel mixing with his ROAR-out scream, closer and closer to the light...
... and erupting out the other side into total silence and a blissful valley. The fairy lady standing in front of his eyes, with crystal utopia in her eyes and forever undying smile. Beautiful beyond description. All he gets to hear now are the gentle sounds of innocence and wind flapping through her hair.

But there are times when I curse her
for the dreams she left behind...
... dreams where I am lost in a warm place
with haunting memories.

With the change in season a lone figure stands in the same valley. Nothing for a million miles but sky and darkness.

An ocean so big it strikes me dumb,
waves so quiet they strike me deaf.
Sunshine so bright, it strikes me blind.
A place that is blue beyond reason.
A dark maze... darker that can possibly
exist. Darker than my mind can possibly
grasp!

I am terrified there is no way home.

He closes his eyes just to run away and with a shiver opens up to his room. Tears had left him long back, and a severe painful headache takes over, which felt continuous hammering harder with each breathe. Lights up the fag, and blows off gallons of smoke into that incredibly mystic dark realm. He bestirs and steps out to the cliff from his room. Peers up at the stars.

YOU! I know you're in that place.
You can see it too. I used to look up
at the stars for you just after the sunset.
But you're right there and I'm here,
thats goddammit right. And...
I shall make sure the night wont repeat again,
the day I'll cut myself free!

Comes back and records down :

Some people do spend their whole lives together,
while some....


DON'T!